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'Loneliness' when living abroad


Tom
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I've been watching this live steam Steve did a a few weeks ago, and something he said about 16 mins in hit me as it's exactly accurate for me too.

When you live abroad it's almost impossible to build real friendships in the same way one has at home. Particularly if you have the sigma trait of a small number of close childhood friends. It got me thinking of some of the downsides of living abroad. The other non-native people you meet are also somewhat transient, which adds another barrier. It's fine if you're like me and not in need of a large circle of acquaintances, but nothing beats a wholesome catchup with childhood friends (if you're lucky enough to have them). 

I put loneliness in inverted commas because it's strictly loneliness, but perhaps feeling like an eternal outsider (which is a good thing in some ways - you always feel like you're a bit on holiday) and appreciating the good things about England when you're permanently away.

You could argue it's a good thing, because it means at times like Xmas when you're back home, you appreciate it more.

 

 

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15 hours ago, Tom said:

When you live abroad it's almost impossible to build real friendships in the same way one has at home.

In my opinion this is not strictly true.

Abroad simply you add layers of complexity: language, culture and so on.

In my opinion you build solid friendships

  1. with time by selecting the people you meet and you like/dislike
  2. with "sufference", when you overcome difficulties with someone

This second point can then unmask if you have made good choices when "not on battle" 🙂

You can have friends everywhere... but has times goes

  • distance
  • time
  • safety
  • culture

can become an issue (for both).

Good friends are a treasure!

 

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, Tom said:

I've been watching this live steam Steve did a a few weeks ago, and something he said about 16 mins in hit me as it's exactly accurate for me too.

When you live abroad it's almost impossible to build real friendships in the same way one has at home. Particularly if you have the sigma trait of a small number of close childhood friends. It got me thinking of some of the downsides of living abroad. The other non-native people you meet are also somewhat transient, which adds another barrier. It's fine if you're like me and not in need of a large circle of acquaintances, but nothing beats a wholesome catchup with childhood friends (if you're lucky enough to have them). 

I put loneliness in inverted commas because it's strictly loneliness, but perhaps feeling like an eternal outsider (which is a good thing in some ways - you always feel like you're a bit on holiday) and appreciating the good things about England when you're permanently away.

You could argue it's a good thing, because it means at times like Xmas when you're back home, you appreciate it more.

 

 

It's magnified as you get older.  Your life situation is constantly in flux, your priorities change..And to be frank, you can get bored!  

What is exciting at 25 or 35 becomes wearisome at 45.  I probably didn't mention that it gets very tiring to live in a 2nd world country and have to keep repeating yourself to order in a restaurant.  To see falling down buildings and dirt when you dare to venture away from the centre and so on.

It is virtually impossible to have proper friendships like you had with your childhood friends.  I am lucky enough to have preserved such friendships in my hometown.

If you're a decent human being you will also care about your parents, who by age 45 will be drawing closer to death and will need your help and presence at some point.  

Finally, places change quickly on the totem pole.  London is now right at the top of my list - infact, it is probably no 1 overall of best places to meet women - pushing Kiev off the top spot.  I've had to ban YT comments because I am tired of seeing whiny faggots complain how bad it is there : it's not, when you know what you are doing and you have some basis to compare to.  It's actually really pleasant now.

I made the right decision to come back.  As I said in the video, I believe my mates will be back before too long too. We will see.

 

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5 minutes ago, Steve Jabba said:

How many foreign countries have you lived in for long periods of time? 😉

In none, i have been my whole life in the same city... the issues for me are important.

My opinions are based on observations and logic... a common behaviour 😊

 

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Just now, BruceXT said:

In none, i have been my whole life in the same city... the issues for me are important.

My opinions are based on observations and logic... a common behaviour 😊

 

I know, that's why I asked. 😉😀

You have to live these experiences to truly appreciate it.  It's a little like pickup : you can read about it all you like..Apply logic and observations to extrapolate what it's like..But to really understand it, you need to live it and experience it for yourself over prolonged periods.  You don't know the effect on your emotional health and outlook until you do. 😉

That's why the 1 on 1's and bootcamps are so valuable.  

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On 9/22/2021 at 12:51 AM, Tom said:

I've been watching this live steam Steve did a a few weeks ago, and something he said about 16 mins in hit me as it's exactly accurate for me too.

When you live abroad it's almost impossible to build real friendships in the same way one has at home. Particularly if you have the sigma trait of a small number of close childhood friends. It got me thinking of some of the downsides of living abroad. The other non-native people you meet are also somewhat transient, which adds another barrier. It's fine if you're like me and not in need of a large circle of acquaintances, but nothing beats a wholesome catchup with childhood friends (if you're lucky enough to have them). 

I put loneliness in inverted commas because it's strictly loneliness, but perhaps feeling like an eternal outsider (which is a good thing in some ways - you always feel like you're a bit on holiday) and appreciating the good things about England when you're permanently away.

You could argue it's a good thing, because it means at times like Xmas when you're back home, you appreciate it more.

 

 

agree that living aboard is somehow more difficult to build long lasting friendship like childhood friends. 

But the same can also happen when you are getting mature or older even though you are living in the home city (think about meeting new friends and making new friendship that is as deep as the childhood friends. it can be difficult.

One of the plus side of living aboard is that when you see your friends and family once or twice every year, the gathering can be much better (less drama, more passion).

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