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I'm not sure if I'm going to make 2022.


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Some would say this is a cry for attention, but I'm out of options. They say taking my own life will hurt those left behind; so as respect for them I seek alternatives. 

I failed. I kept trying, I failed again. I have the intelligence and had the willpower for long times trying to succeed getting my MSc., but it just cannot be. I am atypical, yes. Give me more antidepressants and physical exercises to cope. Seems like an unidentified problem or conformity of going through the academic process is eating me alive. Opportunities in this world are given to those high in credentialism and compliance. It's the society they voted for and wanted, those who don't comply with the standards are weeded out. No problem on my part, just not my cup of tea.

I do have my high school and college degree, but I know I'll never find fulfillment out of the career prospects without a masters degree. The baby boomers lived in a different era, more individuality albeit more risks due to a lower regulatory environment.

I see the matrix and don't see a way to cope going forward. I have taken antidepressants, called the suicide helpline, I've seen medical staff and specialists but they don't care when life is upside down. Your just filling their hours, they also do their work, nothing more, nothing less, welcome to life.

The only thing I wished for right now is to swap places with someone with a terminal disease, because only then my family would not feel guilt for my dead. This is wishful thinking. If I decide to leave this world, I want to go out on my own without failure or leaving costs behind. I have thought about my suicide and prepared somewhat, roping seems the easiest that comes to mind. So far tried one time to try and the pain of the cord hurts less than what's going through my head. 

Edited by YouSmallFish
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Have you ever read Eckarte Tolle's, The Power of Now ? I honestly cant recommend the book enough (although I prefer the audiobook), if you can internalise the message I genuinely think the book can help you and may offer you a different outlook on life...

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=power+of+now&qid=1626379392&sr=8-1

(Eckarte Tolle was also suicidal) 

Edited by Mickey
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2 hours ago, YouSmallFish said:

Some would say this is a cry for attention, but I'm out of options. They say taking my own life will hurt those left behind; so as respect for them I seek alternatives. 

I failed. I kept trying, I failed again. I have the intelligence and had the willpower for long times trying to succeed getting my MSc., but it just cannot be. I am atypical, yes. Give me more antidepressants and physical exercises to cope. Seems like an unidentified problem or conformity of going through the academic process is eating me alive. Opportunities in this world are given to those high in credentialism and compliance. It's the society they voted for and wanted, those who don't comply with the standards are weeded out. No problem on my part, just not my cup of tea.

I do have my high school and college degree, but I know I'll never find fulfillment out of the career prospects without a masters degree. The baby boomers lived in a different era, more individuality albeit more risks due to a lower regulatory environment.

I see the matrix and don't see a way to cope going forward. I have taken antidepressants, called the suicide helpline, I've seen medical staff and specialists but they don't care when life is upside down. Your just filling their hours, they also do their work, nothing more, nothing less, welcome to life.

The only thing I wished for right now is to swap places with someone with a terminal disease, because only then my family would not feel guilt for my dead. This is wishful thinking. If I decide to leave this world, I want to go out on my own without failure or leaving costs behind. I have thought about my suicide and prepared somewhat, roping seems the easiest that comes to mind. So far tried one time to try and the pain of the cord hurts less than what's going through my head. 

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself.  I'm far from being described as a "success" in life, (and I'm 40) you're only 26, I'd love to be that age with those years still ahead of me.  Even if you achieve getting your MSc, it doesn't mean your life is going to be set, and everything else is going to fall into place.  I know people with PhDs who've struggled to find employment.  

If you wasn't happy anyway, you should be looking at this change of plans and direction as exciting.  Find new goals to pursue, try out new things, travel, find your lust for life again.  You said you come from quite an affluent family, so take advantage of this fact.  You are still very young, it would be stupid to throw in the towel before you've exhausted all the different avenues at your disposal.

 

 

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i fucked up my 20's. wait til 32. everyone's emotions are a mess in the 20's, at least from what I've seen.

I'm starting over and I'm ok with that.  I am literally starting at dominos tomorrow at entry level but am angling for that regional manager job in a few years (it increases the odds of free travel)

It's all good man. You won the lottery of life by existing. Now just do what u need to do and enjoy the bounty of existence.

you got this 🙂

Edited by Vince
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As someone who's also entertained some bleak moments, I've found solace in my own prayer: at night, whilst alone in bed, I'll speak aloud to whomever is listening. Speak as though someone with the keenest and most observant ear has your counsel.

And acknowledge there's something (or dare I say someone) much larger than yourself, whose gears of design include you and well beyond. From what I gather: the world is largely a mirror; if you see nothing in it, you'll feel nothing inside; but choose to see meaning around you, and, sure enough, as Alexander Pope penned long ago:

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

PS Want to pretzel your mind? Listen to this wonderful guided meditation by Rupert Spira;

 

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8 hours ago, RebelAgainstNWO said:

Are you able to earn 1000 euros per month and travel?

If so, you can live really well in Brazil while banging hot women.

I would love to know more about this... which part of Brazil do you recommend? Best place to live etc?

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11 hours ago, Vince said:

i fucked up my 20's. wait til 32. everyone's emotions are a mess in the 20's, at least from what I've seen.

I'm starting over and I'm ok with that.  I am literally starting at dominos tomorrow at entry level but am angling for that regional manager job in a few years (it increases the odds of free travel)

It's all good man. You won the lottery of life by existing. Now just do what u need to do and enjoy the bounty of existence.

you got this 🙂

I see man..but It does not matter what the job or attached status is, if you can find peace with yourself doing it then it's good I guess. If I could find peace with myself becoming a janitor, then tomorrow I will be a janitor. Unfortunately I have the inherent trait of having "high expectations" or a need to really put my potential to use, not because it's what other people want..it's an internal thing.

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15 hours ago, Mickey said:

Have you ever read Eckarte Tolle's, The Power of Now ? I honestly cant recommend the book enough (although I prefer the audiobook), if you can internalise the message I genuinely think the book can help you and may offer you a different outlook on life...

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=power+of+now&qid=1626379392&sr=8-1

(Eckarte Tolle was also suicidal) 

I will have a look into it, just like many advises (working out, keeping contact with friends, going out, etc.), it is really throwing shit to a wall and see if something sticks to it, given the fact that it apparently takes time and space to resolve.

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45 minutes ago, YouSmallFish said:

I will have a look into it, just like many advises (working out, keeping contact with friends, going out, etc.), it is really throwing shit to a wall and see if something sticks to it, given the fact that it apparently takes time and space to resolve.

Honestly mate I hope you, its a very powerful message

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2 hours ago, YouSmallFish said:

I see man..but It does not matter what the job or attached status is, if you can find peace with yourself doing it then it's good I guess. If I could find peace with myself becoming a janitor, then tomorrow I will be a janitor. Unfortunately I have the inherent trait of having "high expectations" or a need to really put my potential to use, not because it's what other people want..it's an internal thing.

High expectations are great.  Just remember, it takes time for a tree to grow.  All u can control is today

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