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I'm not sure if I'm going to make 2022.


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Some would say this is a cry for attention, but I'm out of options. They say taking my own life will hurt those left behind; so as respect for them I seek alternatives. 

I failed. I kept trying, I failed again. I have the intelligence and had the willpower for long times trying to succeed getting my MSc., but it just cannot be. I am atypical, yes. Give me more antidepressants and physical exercises to cope. Seems like an unidentified problem or conformity of going through the academic process is eating me alive. Opportunities in this world are given to those high in credentialism and compliance. It's the society they voted for and wanted, those who don't comply with the standards are weeded out. No problem on my part, just not my cup of tea.

I do have my high school and college degree, but I know I'll never find fulfillment out of the career prospects without a masters degree. The baby boomers lived in a different era, more individuality albeit more risks due to a lower regulatory environment.

I see the matrix and don't see a way to cope going forward. I have taken antidepressants, called the suicide helpline, I've seen medical staff and specialists but they don't care when life is upside down. Your just filling their hours, they also do their work, nothing more, nothing less, welcome to life.

The only thing I wished for right now is to swap places with someone with a terminal disease, because only then my family would not feel guilt for my dead. This is wishful thinking. If I decide to leave this world, I want to go out on my own without failure or leaving costs behind. I have thought about my suicide and prepared somewhat, roping seems the easiest that comes to mind. So far tried one time to try and the pain of the cord hurts less than what's going through my head. 

Edited by YouSmallFish
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Have you ever read Eckarte Tolle's, The Power of Now ? I honestly cant recommend the book enough (although I prefer the audiobook), if you can internalise the message I genuinely think the book can help you and may offer you a different outlook on life...

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=power+of+now&qid=1626379392&sr=8-1

(Eckarte Tolle was also suicidal) 

Edited by Mickey
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2 hours ago, YouSmallFish said:

Some would say this is a cry for attention, but I'm out of options. They say taking my own life will hurt those left behind; so as respect for them I seek alternatives. 

I failed. I kept trying, I failed again. I have the intelligence and had the willpower for long times trying to succeed getting my MSc., but it just cannot be. I am atypical, yes. Give me more antidepressants and physical exercises to cope. Seems like an unidentified problem or conformity of going through the academic process is eating me alive. Opportunities in this world are given to those high in credentialism and compliance. It's the society they voted for and wanted, those who don't comply with the standards are weeded out. No problem on my part, just not my cup of tea.

I do have my high school and college degree, but I know I'll never find fulfillment out of the career prospects without a masters degree. The baby boomers lived in a different era, more individuality albeit more risks due to a lower regulatory environment.

I see the matrix and don't see a way to cope going forward. I have taken antidepressants, called the suicide helpline, I've seen medical staff and specialists but they don't care when life is upside down. Your just filling their hours, they also do their work, nothing more, nothing less, welcome to life.

The only thing I wished for right now is to swap places with someone with a terminal disease, because only then my family would not feel guilt for my dead. This is wishful thinking. If I decide to leave this world, I want to go out on my own without failure or leaving costs behind. I have thought about my suicide and prepared somewhat, roping seems the easiest that comes to mind. So far tried one time to try and the pain of the cord hurts less than what's going through my head. 

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself.  I'm far from being described as a "success" in life, (and I'm 40) you're only 26, I'd love to be that age with those years still ahead of me.  Even if you achieve getting your MSc, it doesn't mean your life is going to be set, and everything else is going to fall into place.  I know people with PhDs who've struggled to find employment.  

If you wasn't happy anyway, you should be looking at this change of plans and direction as exciting.  Find new goals to pursue, try out new things, travel, find your lust for life again.  You said you come from quite an affluent family, so take advantage of this fact.  You are still very young, it would be stupid to throw in the towel before you've exhausted all the different avenues at your disposal.

 

 

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i fucked up my 20's. wait til 32. everyone's emotions are a mess in the 20's, at least from what I've seen.

I'm starting over and I'm ok with that.  I am literally starting at dominos tomorrow at entry level but am angling for that regional manager job in a few years (it increases the odds of free travel)

It's all good man. You won the lottery of life by existing. Now just do what u need to do and enjoy the bounty of existence.

you got this 🙂

Edited by Vince
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As someone who's also entertained some bleak moments, I've found solace in my own prayer: at night, whilst alone in bed, I'll speak aloud to whomever is listening. Speak as though someone with the keenest and most observant ear has your counsel.

And acknowledge there's something (or dare I say someone) much larger than yourself, whose gears of design include you and well beyond. From what I gather: the world is largely a mirror; if you see nothing in it, you'll feel nothing inside; but choose to see meaning around you, and, sure enough, as Alexander Pope penned long ago:

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

PS Want to pretzel your mind? Listen to this wonderful guided meditation by Rupert Spira;

 

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8 hours ago, RebelAgainstNWO said:

Are you able to earn 1000 euros per month and travel?

If so, you can live really well in Brazil while banging hot women.

I would love to know more about this... which part of Brazil do you recommend? Best place to live etc?

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11 hours ago, Vince said:

i fucked up my 20's. wait til 32. everyone's emotions are a mess in the 20's, at least from what I've seen.

I'm starting over and I'm ok with that.  I am literally starting at dominos tomorrow at entry level but am angling for that regional manager job in a few years (it increases the odds of free travel)

It's all good man. You won the lottery of life by existing. Now just do what u need to do and enjoy the bounty of existence.

you got this 🙂

I see man..but It does not matter what the job or attached status is, if you can find peace with yourself doing it then it's good I guess. If I could find peace with myself becoming a janitor, then tomorrow I will be a janitor. Unfortunately I have the inherent trait of having "high expectations" or a need to really put my potential to use, not because it's what other people want..it's an internal thing.

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15 hours ago, Mickey said:

Have you ever read Eckarte Tolle's, The Power of Now ? I honestly cant recommend the book enough (although I prefer the audiobook), if you can internalise the message I genuinely think the book can help you and may offer you a different outlook on life...

https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=power+of+now&qid=1626379392&sr=8-1

(Eckarte Tolle was also suicidal) 

I will have a look into it, just like many advises (working out, keeping contact with friends, going out, etc.), it is really throwing shit to a wall and see if something sticks to it, given the fact that it apparently takes time and space to resolve.

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45 minutes ago, YouSmallFish said:

I will have a look into it, just like many advises (working out, keeping contact with friends, going out, etc.), it is really throwing shit to a wall and see if something sticks to it, given the fact that it apparently takes time and space to resolve.

Honestly mate I hope you, its a very powerful message

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2 hours ago, YouSmallFish said:

I see man..but It does not matter what the job or attached status is, if you can find peace with yourself doing it then it's good I guess. If I could find peace with myself becoming a janitor, then tomorrow I will be a janitor. Unfortunately I have the inherent trait of having "high expectations" or a need to really put my potential to use, not because it's what other people want..it's an internal thing.

High expectations are great.  Just remember, it takes time for a tree to grow.  All u can control is today

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

I may should've hang myself by now.

At the moment, better days are more common than bad ones, but the root cause does not change and it eats in my heart. I don't want to be sentimental but I'm just not sure if professional help will redeem my soul. Ignorance is a bliss..I'm living in a gray area hoping for a general uptrend in my well being mentally.

I do all advise given to persons in my situation: excercice, travel, connect and talk with close friends, be helpful towards others, etc. It seems like a lot of those advices seem to help as a small cloth for the bleeding.

There is a rotten piece of flesh in my heart or soul like a cancer, which prevents me finding a blisful life going forward.

I'm not so sure if this is the right place for me to post about my inner life inside my head. If someone has an advice for a subreddit or a niche forum, please share. I called the suicide helpline in my country but that has been a joke so far.

Edited by YouSmallFish
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My first thought was this guy Is trolling. If this not the case my bad mate. Killing yourself is not option take that out of your head, don't let demons get to you Mate. you putting to much pressure on yourself and you focus on the things you have failed. The key things is when you stop focus on things you have failed and stop putting pressure on yourself, you will see improvement more enjoyable life. I also think you should save money travel , live abroad for few months , year so you give yourself time too enjoy meet new people just have fun mate. 

 

 

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On 7/15/2021 at 12:44 PM, YouSmallFish said:

Some would say this is a cry for attention, but I'm out of options. They say taking my own life will hurt those left behind; so as respect for them I seek alternatives. 

I failed. I kept trying, I failed again. I have the intelligence and had the willpower for long times trying to succeed getting my MSc., but it just cannot be. I am atypical, yes. Give me more antidepressants and physical exercises to cope. Seems like an unidentified problem or conformity of going through the academic process is eating me alive. Opportunities in this world are given to those high in credentialism and compliance. It's the society they voted for and wanted, those who don't comply with the standards are weeded out. No problem on my part, just not my cup of tea.

I do have my high school and college degree, but I know I'll never find fulfillment out of the career prospects without a masters degree. The baby boomers lived in a different era, more individuality albeit more risks due to a lower regulatory environment.

I see the matrix and don't see a way to cope going forward. I have taken antidepressants, called the suicide helpline, I've seen medical staff and specialists but they don't care when life is upside down. Your just filling their hours, they also do their work, nothing more, nothing less, welcome to life.

The only thing I wished for right now is to swap places with someone with a terminal disease, because only then my family would not feel guilt for my dead. This is wishful thinking. If I decide to leave this world, I want to go out on my own without failure or leaving costs behind. I have thought about my suicide and prepared somewhat, roping seems the easiest that comes to mind. So far tried one time to try and the pain of the cord hurts less than what's going through my head. 

If you do not give up you will get there. If it's what you really want and are putting in effort into and trying new things when other things are not working. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. Study a guy who has already done it and then copy him. Or simply find a mentor who is willing to teach you. I am just trying to be helpful. You can do it. Stay positive.

Edited by PerpetualTraveler
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  • 3 weeks later...
On 7/16/2021 at 1:52 AM, Vince said:

i fucked up my 20's. wait til 32. everyone's emotions are a mess in the 20's, at least from what I've seen.

I'm starting over and I'm ok with that.  I am literally starting at dominos tomorrow at entry level but am angling for that regional manager job in a few years (it increases the odds of free travel)

It's all good man. You won the lottery of life by existing. Now just do what u need to do and enjoy the bounty of existence.

you got this 🙂

@Vince I have heard that before; under age 32 most people's minds tend to be either up in the air and or volatile.

... Just checking the answers again, as today I got my first physical interview done since I decided to quit the MSc. program this summer.

Interview went ok, but the interviewer kept on pressing on the topic of why I quit the program and so forth; I shed much tears at home after the interview. Some people will mourn a loss of a family member, I mourn my loss of not having completed the program. It's a psychological cancer that I'll have to learn how to live with going forward. I'll handle the topic better next time.

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@YouSmallFish dude... This post hit home so hard!

I failed my three most important academic exams. I made my father cry in disappointment. Happy to share more about the journey from the final failure to now. But I want to share this:

My second and third failure are the driver for my success - they became my motivation. Just typing this I'm getting me riled up. 

16 months after my 3rd fail at 24, I joined the biggest software company (yes that one).  20 yrs later (this past April), I'm still there and now in our Gaming org. I'm not a gamer but working in gaming is hella fun. I don't have a single academic qualification.... Yeah, not one. Oh yeah, I relocated to Corp HQ 5 yrs ago.... As you can see, I'm Indian. Heard about that thing called the backlog?

But it took 100 hr wks, driven by the tears of shame and the disappointment in myself.... The vow to myself to never fail again.... Because I was doing what I loved.... Building digital experiences.

Clicking publish gives me a rush. Getting an A felt and still feels meaningless. Just means you are good at meeting the standards of the norm. We need people like that too of course. But that's not me.

When you know what you really love, do it. You'll figure how to make money with it later. Don't make excuses. You only need 4 hrs of sleep a night for 6 months. What are you doing with the other 20.... Every day? Listen to YouTube/ Spotify motivational speeches. Train your brain.

What did I learn: I'm not into academics. I learn so that I can do, not just to know:

Knowledge application > knowledge acquisition.

Each of the three failures required regurgitating memorized facts - I'm not into that. Only a few courses I felt challenged my interests. Conclusion - stop trying to get paper credentials.

My advice: analyze why you are failing? What specific areas are you not passing? Be brutally honest and painstakingly detailed with your assessment. You should find clues... For me it was simply an inability to commit the time and effort, that I do in my work, to compare.. or music or basketball. The outcome (A grade) was just meaningless. What I do know affects millions of gamers. It means something to me.

Find your purpose. Your reason to be. I'd love to understand why you need an Msc? Not a job title. What do you want any to do?

"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's why I succeed." - Michael Jordan

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Sigma in Seattle said:

@YouSmallFish one of my favorites: https://youtu.be/u4taz6dfPQc

 

I watched it until he started talking about his grandmother, halfway through. It's ok, but just not compatible with my situation.

I have talked to my general practitioner and my nearest and dearest, along with self-reflective thinking; key is to stay active +taking action by looking for a job that would suit me. Progressive desensitization and learning along the way is critical.

Edited by YouSmallFish
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1 hour ago, YouSmallFish said:

.... by looking for a job that would suit me. Progressive desensitization and learning along the way is critical.

@YouSmallFishI fully agree. But try not to think of it as a job. Perhaps a career but either way, something that enables your purpose. In my case, my career enables financial security, flexibility and freedom, social connection amongst like minded individuals, whilst developing the skills I use in my personal passion as well. My career is an additive - it helps...  It doesn't take time away from what I enjoy doing and therefore want to do most.

Spend time thinking purely about what you love doing.

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